The Final Roll Call

Yesterday I attended a Memorial Service with hundreds of others celebrating and honoring the life of a local soldier who was killed in Afghanistan last month. When I heard the news of this tragedy six weeks ago, I was completely shaken. The sister of the fallen hero is a coworker of mine and we spoke about when our guys would get home every single day. Now all of a sudden, from one day to the next, her soldier would not be coming home the way anybody anticipated.

The following week or two were without a doubt the hardest two weeks of the deployment for me, so far. I knew that thousands of military families had lost their loved ones in the past ten years, but I had never seen it happen to a family I knew first hand. It was a struggle for that family, and will always be a heartbreaking loss for them. It is important that their sacrifice is never forgotten.

The service was a beautiful tribute to the soldier's life and very emotional to sit through. I felt it was important to show my support for the family and to honor them and their soldier in any way I could. I cried during bits and pieces of the ceremony, but it wasn't until the end that I really let go and let myself sob.

The ceremony of The Final Roll call is usually done right before the twenty-one gun salute (at the funeral; which in this case had taken place in Georgia a few weeks ago) as a way to symbolize the absence of the fallen soldier. The names of soldiers present are called off and they respond. Then the name of the fallen is called in three forms with no reply.

Private Smith

"Here, Sergeant!"

Specialist Jones

"Here, Sergeant!"

Private Brown

"Here, Sergeant!"

Sergeant Doe

Silence

Sergeant John Doe

Silence

Sergeant John Adam Doe

Silence

(Even though the names have been released to the public, no real names were used here)



Watching "Sgt. Doe's" widow hunch over and cry aloud as they started the roll call was perhaps the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my life. This is without a doubt the worst part of military life. Please pray for the families of those who have sacrificed so much for our great nation, so that we can choose to live our lives the way we do. They need all the strength they can possibly receive, and deserve more respect than is humanly possible to give.

(special thank you to Dana for helping me with this beautiful tribute)

Deployment Positive Thursday- Week 27

Sometimes I think I must have been crazy to come up with this whole "deployment positive" idea. Yeah, the concept is nice and dandy and all, but some weeks I feel like I am completely sugar coating a horrible situation. I'm not talking about missing Andrew, because while that is difficult most days, it is nothing compared to the pain that the families of our fallen soldiers feel.

Honestly, it's hard for me some days to go on facebook and see people complaining about the little things in life- like the air conditioning not working, or getting a blister from running in their brand new, state-of-the-art running shoes- when I know that so many men and women are sacrificing their lives so that we can make complaints like that. There are so many more important things in life, I really just wish some people would take a step back for a moment and realize how good life is and how lucky they are. It's sad, but for most Americans, it seems like the war and our soldiers are not on the forefront of their minds.

Regardless of your political opinions, the fact of the matter is that we are at war. The men and women in our armed forces are there by choice, they feel it is their duty and their honor and they are all so incredibly brave. I wish I could individually thank each and every Soldier, Marine, Airman, Sailor and Coastie who has ever served but obviously I can't. And I can't send my condolences and hug each Gold Star family member who has lost a loved one.

I am so proud of my fiance's chosen profession. I admire him so much for everything he does and everything he stands for, and I feel honored to be a part of a military family (because even though we haven't signed the papers or said "I do" yet, we are a family). Sometimes it is just hard to watch other families in such pain and realize it just isn't fair. You feel guilty that you still have your soldier and they don't have their's.

I'm rambling. I didn't mean this to post to be a rant or a lecture, I've just had a lot on my mind lately. I guess it all boils down to one of my favorite quotes of all time, and my new favorite song by James Otto.

"Only two men have ever offered to die for you: Jesus Christ and the American Soldier. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom"

A Whole Quarter!

I am so, so, so happy and beyond excited to report that an entire quarter of this deployment is behind us forever! Yep, you read that right. A quarter, one-forth, a quadrant, twenty-five percent.... however you want to look at it, it's gone! Never to be seen or heard from again!

Three whole months in the books! It's so funny to look back on because parts of me feel like this time has flown by and then other parts of me feels like we're not making any progress. It's hard to imagine that Ranger School was 3 1/2 months long... that seems like sooooooo much longer than the three months we've already invested in this deployment. I guess the major difference there was that we didn't know what to expect with Ranger School and we were living with the ever-present threat of a recycle that would extend the school by 3-6 weeks. We are months away from dealing with the changing dates of this deployment at this point- which I assure you, will happen. 

This weekend was a great way to celebrate the closing of Q1. On Friday night Mom Dolan and I went to dinner and shopping and I got some great new dresses and outfits for the spring/summer as well as my upcoming business trip to Orlando (can't wait)! I've come to the conclusion that I'm an emotional shopper. Where others seek comfort in foods or alcohol, when I'm stressed, I shop. The day Andrew recycled Ranger School I bought two pairs of adorably impractical shoes that --combined-- I have worn a grand total of one time. Emotional shopping though, when done with the help of an expert (insert Mom Dolan) is actually quite beneficial and great for my wardrobe! 

Yesterday we had a church retreat in Harrisburg (as one of the final steps of my RCIA process before I actually convert- which won't be happening until my Sponsor, Andrew, is here to witness it and join in my first communion with me) and then I drove down to DC to be with my family! My brother starts work at a new job tomorrow and just moved in with his girlfriend (who I love) just outside of the city. Our family was meeting her family for the first time, but we all had such a fun evening. Lots of driving for a short visit, but definitely worth it!

Today after Palm Sunday Mass, Shannon's family was over for lunch when the house phone rang... which is kind of weird for a Sunday. Dad Dolan answered and I knew right away by the tone in his voice who was on the other end! My heart just about leaped out of my chest and I got butterflies in my stomach. He was on the phone for a little while, and I sat in the den with him on speaker while he talked to his parents (and Gavin, who RAN to the phone when he found out it was his God-Daddy). All of a sudden, the call was dropped and all we could hear was a busy-tone. I was crushed. I hadn't even said hi to him, he didn't even know I was there. 

We all waited for about five minutes before we realized he wasn't calling back and the network must have just gone down. Saying I was heart-broken would be an understatement. I had to take some time to myself and let myself meltdown for a bit. Everything just hit me like a ton of bricks, I had been praying so hard that I would be able to talk to Andrew this weekend. Physically talk to him. Not email or text, I needed to hear his voice and just carry on a conversation and bounce ideas off of him. I really thought this was the answer to my prayers and just as fast as it happened, it was gone. A few minutes later I got a text from Andrew saying "Bummer, the network must be down. That was way too short, were you there"? I texted him back as quickly as I could and said I was there and begged him to go to the MWR and try to use skype. I wasn't going to give up. I had to talk to him. It took almost a full hour and a half to get everything up and running, and many many failed calls, but we finally did it. I could see his grainy face and his smile warmed my heart. 

Alisia and Lillia were with me when the call finally went through and I was so happy that the computer almost fell off my lap! Alisia found it necessary to tell Andrew "Aunt Tina was cryyyyyy-ing!" but it was cute the way she said it and we were all just happy to have him be a part of our lives for the time being. We talked for 42 minutes and 12 seconds and I basked in the glory of every single moment of it. Joking around and not worrying about how much each text is going to cost or if what I'm saying is going to be read and understood the way I am intending was liberating. It's like he wasn't even gone this afternoon, he was inside my computer laughing with me and carrying on a normal back and forth, give and take conversation. It was simply amazing, and the best part was that we got to decide when the conversation ended. Not the Taliban (who control the cell phone network over there), not the wireless companies, or anyone waiting in line for a pay phone (a la Ranger School). It was time for Andrew to get to bed and we got to squeeze in lots of "I love you"s (which mean a bazillion times more when they are said, not typed) and "I miss you"s. 

Over the course of those two or three hours today, I went from probably the lowest low I have been at this deployment (save the day he actually left) to one of the highest highs. It was a struggle, but in the end, it made that 42:12 call all the more special.

My Soldier - My Hero - My World - My Everything

Deployment Positive Thursday- Week 7

I'll be honest, this week was a tough one. I struggled for a long time trying to think of something positive to write about that didn't seem shallow or petty. This week the realities of deployment really hit, and the fact that Andrew is away at war really sunk in.

On Sunday, Andrew's unit suffered their first casualty. Part of Andrew's job as a liaison officer (for these first few months) is to assist with medevacs (medical evacuations) when those wounded and killed in action need to be airlifted to another facility with better medical facilities.

Sgt. Kristopher J. Gould was on his third tour of duty in the middle east and was only 25 years old. His official cause of death has been listed as wounds sustained from an insurgent attack using an IED. Andrew was one of the soldiers who escorted his body onto the plane which was taking him home. He was flown home for a memorial service at Fort Knox tomorrow, followed by a funeral in his hometown. Andrew did not know him personally. To learn more about this fallen hero, click here.

The shock of the first casualty of this deployment hadn't yet worn off yesterday morning when I learned of the tragedy in Germany. A unit of Airmen had just left from their base in England earlier that day for their year-long deployment to Afghanistan. They were at their first stop at Frankfurt Airport in Germany when a gunman boarded the bus they were on and shot the driver and several airmen, wounding many and killing two. As the information came out yesterday, all I could think about were the families of those men on that bus. They had just seen their loved ones that morning, I couldn't shake that from my mind. All I kept thinking back on was Day 1 of this deployment (for me) and what a wreck I was. The emotions of that "see ya later" were overwhelming, but I kept finding solace in the fact that Andrew would be safe for the next week or so, as he was just in transit. Those poor wives and families. I truly cannot imagine the pain and anguish they must have gone through yesterday, adding to the already emotional morning they had.

In news reports (and from some friends who I know were affected personally by this) I have heard that those who were on the bus set to deploy will be returning to their base in England to their families while the investigation is on-going. So there is a small light of happiness!

Please pray for the families of Sgt. Gould and those killed and wounded in Germany yesterday.

I know this is really not what anybody was expecting to read on "Positive Thursday", but after deliberating all day about what to post, I decided that we are at war. And these are, sadly, the realities of war. There is not sugar-coating or glossing over the unpleasantries. This is certainly the worst part of Military life.

But I am thankful for people like Sgt. Gould and all of our soldiers serving overseas or waiting for their chance to deploy. The sacrifices they are willing to make keep us safe. Because of these men and women who volunteer to do this, we aren't fighting this war on our own streets, or constantly living in fear of the next 9/11.

While I really don't want to dwell on this, the reality is that we are at war and I think it is important to be aware of the facts and keep everyone involved in your prayers.

Keep Chuggin' Along

This morning when I woke up I was excited to know that I only had 2 more days until I would hear from Andrew. I was getting ready (actually ahead of schedule for once in my life... imagine that) when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and threw the phone on the bed when I didn't recognize the number. Then I realized it could have been a call about the watch I had just ordered for Andrew last night or something so I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Honey."

My world came crashing down. What was happening? WHY? So many thoughts going through my head. The only thing I could think to say was: "Andrew?! Why are you calling me?"

"They recycled me"

Crushed again. So many thoughts came flooding through my mind. This changed everything. I can't even put into words all of the emotions I felt. I had so many questions and I know I didn't handle the news as gracefully as I would have liked, but it was just so out of the blue.

So here is the (very revised and shortened) story: Andrew had his "GO" for Mountains Phase and was 40 hours away from completing the final FTX of the phase when one of his buddies (who was assigned to be the gunner) was really struggling to continue on. So Andrew offered to take his gun so that the other guy would be carrying less weight and it would be easier for him to complete the mission. Some amount of time later they got into an ambush and since Andrew was now carrying the machine gun he took the place of the gunner. The gun jammed and as he was trying to clear it he accidentally fired it. It is called an Negligent Discharge and is a serious offense in Ranger School and everywhere else in the Army. Many times an ND is enough to "Day 1" you, meaning you start Ranger School completely over, but since he was so close to completing the phase, the RIs and the commanders only gave him a Mountain's recycle. I liked what Andrew's dad said about the situation: "Its a heart-breaker, but its not a deal-breaker" I am going to live my life (until the end of Ranger School at least) trying to find the silver lining and realizing that it could have been SO.MUCH.WORSE!

That phone call was the single worst call of my life. It was so difficult to talk to Andrew and hear him re-live it all and just be so down on himself. I have never heard Andrew's voice sound the way it did during our 10 minute and 7 second conversation this morning, but I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to ensure that I NEVER hear that in his voice EVER again.

So now; what this means for us: The next 3 and a half weeks, Andrew will be in lock-down with the other recycles at Ft. Merrill in Dahlonega, GA waiting for the next cycle to start up again.

The Bad:

• This adds 6 additional weeks to Ranger School (3 for the waiting period, 3 to repeat the cycle)
• He will start up again the day after he was supposed to graduate if he had gotten a "first time GO" of Ranger School
• Andrew is beyond devastated and so down on himself. I hope that in the coming days (maybe weeks) he will come to see this as a blessing in disguise and realize that this is not the end of the world. Until that time I am going to try to keep him happy and not dwell on the situation.

The Good:

• Nightly Phonecalls!! (The thought of this is enough to make me absolutely giddy after these past six weeks of letters being our ONLY form of communication)
• RECHARGE! Andrew will be eating three meals a day for the next three weeks and will get to sleep over 8 hours a night (plus naps during the day). His body is definitely feeling the effects of Ranger School at this point. To date he has lost over 25 pounds since leaving for Ranger School 6 weeks ago.
• He will have a major advantage when the phase starts up again since he has done it all before and he already earned his GO once before. He is confident that he can do it all again. 

For now, I am trying to focus on the positives, but I am devastated too. I want this for Andrew just as badly as he wants it for himself. The most touching part of our conversation was when he told me "the worst part of all of this is that now I won't get to see you until almost September". I miss my man so much and that is the worst part for me, but I would have thought the worst part for him would be going through all that Hell all over again.


I had been listening to Luke Bryan's CD last night on my way home and when I turned my car on this morning to go to work after we talked, the song "Keep Chuggin' Along" was playing. The first words that came out of my speakers were:

"When you look back over your shoulder at everything you've done, put the good times in your pocket, let the bad ones make you strong and keep chuggin' along."

I sat in the driveway and just cried. I have never been one to really believe in "signs" but it was like someone, somewhere was trying to tell me that everything was going to be okay. It has to be okay. Luke Bryan has always been one of my favorite artists, but this particular songs was never really one of my favorites. But this morning it really spoke to me. I know there are better days ahead of us.


Luckily I was working at Sean's today so when I came in (late and clearly upset/still crying whenever anyone talked to me) he gave me the morning off to gather my thoughts. I am so thankful to have the Dolans, they are such an amazing family.

I didn't know where to go, so I just drove and ended up at Church. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed that God would take away all of Andrew's pain and frustration and disappointment and give it all to me. He needs to recharge and focus on what is ahead of him, not dwell on the past.

After church (I honestly have no idea how long I was there for) I decided I needed a good, solid shopping spree! I went to the outlets in Lancaster and boy, oh boy did I shop!!!! I bought a great dress for Andrew's graduation and two pairs of shoes from Nine West among other things that I definitely do not need. It felt good to spend some money without thinking and just focusing on cute outfits instead of stressing over the fact that I won't see my man for another 9 weeks.

After shopping I went to Sonic for one of those slushy drinks. The woman who brought it out to my car completely caught me off-guard when she asked if my boyfriend was in the military (she must have seen my adorable license place frame-- I ♥ a US Soldier) I told her that he was a Second Lieutenant in the United States Army. She said, in her thick southern accent, "well you be sure to thank him for everything he does for all of us back home. My little boy and I sure do appreciate everything he sacrifices so that we can live the life we do". I started crying (for about the millionth time today) on the spot. How thoughtful! I told her I would be sure to tell him. It is unbelievable that I have been driving around with that on my car for months and not a soul has said a word to me about it until this day--the day I get this terrible news. I needed to hear that, just another one of those signs that everything is going to be okay. It has to be okay.

And we will keep chuggin' along.