Where are you, Christmas?

With Thanksgiving officially behind us, it's time to roll out the Santa carpets, put up the tree, string the lights, and generally make the house look Christmasy. Woo! My favorite time of year.

But it just doesn't feel right this year.

For the past 316 days (not that anyone is counting), I have been looking forward to the Christmas Season. It was a sign that the last month of deployment is coming and this whole year will eventually end.

But now that the "Christmas Season" is actually here, something is just not right. It doesn't seem like Christmas. At all.

It could have something to do with the fact that (other than that freak Halloween Snow Storm) we haven't seen any snow, or temperatures even remotely resembling "cold", but I'm not entirely convinced that's it. Being a New Englander, we almost always have snow accumulated on or before Turkey Day (and that snow will basically cover the ground until March or April), so not even a threat of snow at this point feels a little weird to me. At least if it was cold, I might feel a little more Christmasy, but it was sixty degrees today! Do you know how funny Christmas Wreaths and ribbons on shopping plazas look when you wear capris and a short sleeve blouse to work? Absolutely ridiculous! This isn't Florida, people... last time I checked Pennsylvania is still a part of the North East! Let's see some snow!

I guess I always pictured this part of the year snow covered and blistering cold, like it was when Andrew left. To me, when the weather got back to where it was when he left, it would mean he was returning to me soon. Two nights before X Day, we rode the motorcycle to the Sushi Restaurant down the street. A ten minute drive in 27 degree weather, even with millions of layers on, will absolutely chill any human being to their very core. Where is that blistering cold weather? I want it now... give me a sign that my soldier is coming home soon!

So yes, I'm disappointed that I'm not freezing my tooshie off right now, but part of this lack of Christmas feeling, is my heart feeling so wrong about celebrating Christmas without Andrew. Thanksgiving, Easter, Veterans' Day, Fourth of July all felt a little empty, but Christmas is Christmas. You're supposed to be with the ones you love. Getting excited about not spending Christmas with Andrew feels like getting excited to ride a roller coaster alone, or go on vacation alone, or play Monopoly Deal alone... It's just not right.

I'm working on it though. I decided I don't want to be like Charlie Brown this year.

So I asked myself, how did Charlie Brown get out of his Christmas funk? He asked "Isn't there anybody who can tell me what Christmas is all about?" and Linus and his blanket told him the story of Christmas.

Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. 

Lights, please.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'

 That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. 

I can hear exactly how Linus says it. 

So, I decided to enrich myself this holiday season. If the story of Christmas can make Charlie Brown feel better, surely it can help me. I found a Bible reading plan app on my iPhone that tells me key passages in The Bible to read each night. The one I chose picks passages about the prophesy of the Messiah coming as well as the birth and life of Jesus Christ. I'm on day two, and I can feel myself relaxing as I read my passages each night. It's almost like I can feel a peace passing over me. So I know, that slowly but surely, I will come to celebrate this joyous season. 

And one of the most calm feelings I got was last night, when I turned to the inside cover of my bible and read :

To Kristina, Love Mom Dolan

January 16, 2010

Mom gave me this bible exactly 365 days before Andrew deployed. If that doesn't give me peace, I don't know what will.