Where are you, Christmas?

With Thanksgiving officially behind us, it's time to roll out the Santa carpets, put up the tree, string the lights, and generally make the house look Christmasy. Woo! My favorite time of year.

But it just doesn't feel right this year.

For the past 316 days (not that anyone is counting), I have been looking forward to the Christmas Season. It was a sign that the last month of deployment is coming and this whole year will eventually end.

But now that the "Christmas Season" is actually here, something is just not right. It doesn't seem like Christmas. At all.

It could have something to do with the fact that (other than that freak Halloween Snow Storm) we haven't seen any snow, or temperatures even remotely resembling "cold", but I'm not entirely convinced that's it. Being a New Englander, we almost always have snow accumulated on or before Turkey Day (and that snow will basically cover the ground until March or April), so not even a threat of snow at this point feels a little weird to me. At least if it was cold, I might feel a little more Christmasy, but it was sixty degrees today! Do you know how funny Christmas Wreaths and ribbons on shopping plazas look when you wear capris and a short sleeve blouse to work? Absolutely ridiculous! This isn't Florida, people... last time I checked Pennsylvania is still a part of the North East! Let's see some snow!

I guess I always pictured this part of the year snow covered and blistering cold, like it was when Andrew left. To me, when the weather got back to where it was when he left, it would mean he was returning to me soon. Two nights before X Day, we rode the motorcycle to the Sushi Restaurant down the street. A ten minute drive in 27 degree weather, even with millions of layers on, will absolutely chill any human being to their very core. Where is that blistering cold weather? I want it now... give me a sign that my soldier is coming home soon!

So yes, I'm disappointed that I'm not freezing my tooshie off right now, but part of this lack of Christmas feeling, is my heart feeling so wrong about celebrating Christmas without Andrew. Thanksgiving, Easter, Veterans' Day, Fourth of July all felt a little empty, but Christmas is Christmas. You're supposed to be with the ones you love. Getting excited about not spending Christmas with Andrew feels like getting excited to ride a roller coaster alone, or go on vacation alone, or play Monopoly Deal alone... It's just not right.

I'm working on it though. I decided I don't want to be like Charlie Brown this year.

So I asked myself, how did Charlie Brown get out of his Christmas funk? He asked "Isn't there anybody who can tell me what Christmas is all about?" and Linus and his blanket told him the story of Christmas.

Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. 

Lights, please.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'

 That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. 

I can hear exactly how Linus says it. 

So, I decided to enrich myself this holiday season. If the story of Christmas can make Charlie Brown feel better, surely it can help me. I found a Bible reading plan app on my iPhone that tells me key passages in The Bible to read each night. The one I chose picks passages about the prophesy of the Messiah coming as well as the birth and life of Jesus Christ. I'm on day two, and I can feel myself relaxing as I read my passages each night. It's almost like I can feel a peace passing over me. So I know, that slowly but surely, I will come to celebrate this joyous season. 

And one of the most calm feelings I got was last night, when I turned to the inside cover of my bible and read :

To Kristina, Love Mom Dolan

January 16, 2010

Mom gave me this bible exactly 365 days before Andrew deployed. If that doesn't give me peace, I don't know what will.

Deployment Positive Thursday- Week 43

It just occurred to me that I could be down to single digits with DPTs I have left! WOW! If that's not a positive, I don't know what is.

For the time being though, I'm going to stick with my promise to let all of you out there in bloggie-ville get to re-live our amazing two week R&R through posts and pictures.

On the first Sunday that Andrew was home, I was finally confirmed as a member of the Catholic Church and took my first communion. As with everything else in my life, I had waited a long time for that special moment, but man, was it worth the wait. I can't even let myself imagine what it would have been like to take such a huge step in our joint faith without Andrew. It felt great to have him physically behind me as I was welcomed into our church.

It was so nice to have both of our families be a part of such a huge day for us! Other than the actual day Andrew returned home, it was definitely the most emotional day for me. Everything happened exactly as I had envisioned it, including the song "Come Back to Me", which I've had my heart set on being played at both my first communion and our wedding since the first time I heard it way back in March... remember?

I really want to take this opportunity to thank everybody who has been there for me during this process. The entire parish has been more than welcoming and accommodating to both Andrew and myself.

Deployment Positive Thursday- Week 16

Oh, Thursday, Thursday Thursday... we meet again.

Am I mis-counting? I can't believe I'm already on my 16th DPT! I'm not gonna lie, it feels pretty awesome to officially be into MAY, about to be completely done with four full months!

This week has been full of excitement from many different areas of my life. On Saturday my brother's girlfriend came up to Hershey from DC and we went to a great country concert together! One thing I really miss about Andrew being gone is going to country shows together, so it was awesome to be able to go with Em. Our senior year of college, Andrew and I must have gone to at least 10 different concerts together, and each has a very special memory that I will always hold close to my heart. Whether it be meeting Luke Bryan (remember that name, folks, you'll be hearing a song or two of his at our wedding) or walking along the beach after seeing Josh Turner on a late summer night in New Hampshire, each one has had it's own highlights that I re-live every time I hear their songs on my ipod or the radio.

Sunday was also a big day, as one Miss Alisia took her First Holy Communion! She has been counting the weeks until this day, and she is so excited that we are both going to take our first communion in the same year. Of course, the sad part of the day was when she told me how much she missed Uncle AJ and asked why deployment couldn't be like Ranger School where he comes home after 3 1/2 months (PS- as of this week, deployment has officially been longer than Ranger School. Yay? I guess that's an accomplishment of sorts). It was hard for me to explain, but I think all of her sadness disappeared when I came running up to her in line to take pictures with Father Dave and told her that someone special was on the phone. (I know, I know, I really shouldn't have answered it in church, but it's not every day I get a call from Afghanistan, you know. This was exactly the fifth time I have heard Andrew's voice since he has been gone. Can you blame me?) I think Ali was pretty excited about the call; what do you think?:

This was such a touching moment, I had tears welling in my eyes seeing that smile on Alisia's face. It was so hard for her and Andrew to hear each other, but I don't think it mattered to either one of them. She had her own special moment with Uncle AJ on her special day!

Sunday, of course, came the news of Osama bin Laden's death! I don't think I have  definitely haven't watched the news this much as I have this week since years ago; probably since 9/11. I- along with most of our country- am captivated by this. I thought the Royal Wedding was big news, but this just blows it out of the water. I heard somebody say "Hey, England! We'll take your wedding and raise you a funeral!" It's nice to be able to joke about it, but I did get a kick out of that. Lots of people have been asking me what the troops are seeing in response to this and what their reaction is. Honestly, I can't say much because of OPSEC, but Andrew says that our guys are excited, but it doesn't change all that much. We're still at war with the Taliban; bin Laden was the leader of al Qaeda. Hopefully in the coming weeks, this will continue to help to boost morale. The one thing that I have been loving about all of this is seeing America (for the most part) coming out and showing support for the troops again and showing that "united we stand"-ness that was so prevalent in the months following 9/11. It is a beautiful thing to experience as a military significant other; regardless of what it stems from. I love that people have been coming out of the woodwork to rally and show their support for our brave men and women who serve.

The rest of the week was absolutely crazy. Work is getting out of control lately, as we only have about 2 weeks until our biggest event of the year in Orlando. I'm excited to go, but I won't be able to relax until exactly 3 weeks from this moment with the event is OVER and Mom Dolan and I can just relax and enjoy everything Disney has to offer. I feel like I'm counting down the seconds! The best part is that we get back on May 31 which means the very next day will be June, that feels like it's right around the corner!

Mom has been working on putting together cookbooks for her Non-Profit Organization, Children's Playroom, for the past several months, and the whole project came to a head this week. I've been helping her put everything together for several hours each night. It's ridiculous, because it shouldn't be fun work, it should be daunting and depressing and completely overwhelming, but the two of us just couldn't stop laughing and having fun the whole time. She truly is an amazing woman!

Other reasons to be positive and upbeat today:
- I came home to two of the most smiley little faces (Lillia and Gavin) that came RUNNING up to me and demanding hugs from Aunt Tina. Best. Feeling. Ever!
- I saw ads on TV for season finales of some of the shows I watch! YAY! I never thought summer re-runs would come, I feel like we are finally making some headway in this deployment!
- Yesterday marked the 15 month pre-wedding mark! WOW, we're getting down to the real-time now! It's still hard to believe! After Florida I really have to hunker down and get some of this planning done or ya'll are going to be sorely disappointed when our wedding day actually comes! Don't worry though, we're promising one heck of a party, and you bet your boots we're going to deliver on that promise!
- Andrew's roommate, Jordan (also deployed to Afghanistan), is currently on his way home for his Midtour leave! Although we won't see him, it's good to know that at least for a few weeks he is out of harm's way and enjoying all the best things this fine country has to offer. Plus, it's another one of those things that seemed so far away when deployment started. Just another little step to check off that huge deployment list.

Slowly but surely, and day by day, we are making our way through this beast.

Oh, Hosea!

If you know a little something about Mom Dolan or me, you know that when Andrew is gone (mainly Ranger School) or deployed we wear our prayer box necklaces. I have not taken mine off since the day he left, and I don't plan on it until he is finally in my arms again. It is basically a small box (about the size of a centimeter cube) that has a top that can actually open and close and you can put a prayer inside. Shannon's kids love to sit on my lap and say prayers for Uncle AJ, and they always touch my heart. Just today, Gavin said this prayer: "Dear Father, thank you for us going to church and having pizza for dinner. God love my family and Uncle AJ when he is in Afghanistan. Amen." Pretty amazing for a not-yet-three-year-old!

My prayer box (sorry for the blurry cell phone pic!) You can't really tell but mine has an american flag drawn on the front. I have noticed that whenever I am stressed or nervous or really contemplating a decision, I will fiddle with the latch and open and close the lid over and over, partly a nervous habit, but partially because I find it helps bring me peace of mind to be prayerful about whatever is happening.

On Thursday night (well, actually the wee hours in the morning on Friday) I finished Redeeming Love, a book Mom had given me to read two months ago. It took me a little while to get into it, but once I got going, I could not put it down. She gave it to me because it was the book that introduced her to the prayer box. It is a beautiful story, set in California in the 1850s, about a man, Michael Hosea, who sees a harlot on the street, Angel, and is spoken to by God that he is destined to love and marry this "soiled dove" and help her to find truth in Faith. It is clear that the author is re-telling the story of the Book of Hosea from the Old Testament. I highly recommend this book (mainly to women), it is unlike anything I have ever read before, but I honestly couldn't get enough of it. Even though I finished it several days ago, I still can't get Angel and Michael's story of faith, hope, and love out of my mind.

This was a perfect time for me to be reading (and finishing) this book, as I continue on in my own faith journey. I am currently in the RCIA (Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults) process, though our parish church at St. Peter. Each Thursday Mom and I go to a two hour class with other candidates and their sponsors to learn, discuss and reflect on the teachings and beliefs of the Catholic faith. Today was my biggest step in the process so far, as my whole class was recognized by our parish and Father Dave and sent to be approved by Bishop McFadden to go forth with the final stage before our confirmation into Catholicism. It was a very moving day, with Mass this morning to celebrate the Rite of Sending at St. Peter and then the Rite of Election at St. Patrick's Cathedral in Harrisburg. It truly stuck me when we were at the Cathedral today, just how many people are on this journey with me, and all for various reasons. In the Diocese of Harrisburg, between 550 and 600 individuals go through the RCIA process and convert to Catholicism each year.

At this morning's mass, we sang a song called Come Back to Me from the Book of Hosea. As soon as I saw the title of the song (listed in the songbook as "Hosea (Come Back to Me)") I got chills. Before reading Redeeming Love, I don't think that I had ever heard of Hosea, and I definitely didn't know that Hosea was a Book in the Bible, and now here he was in my songbook this special day in my journey! The words of this song spoke to me on a multitude of different levels. The refrain is as follows:

Long have I waited for 

Your coming home to me

And living deeply our new life

Although definitely not the intent of this song, my first thought was of Andrew, and how I long for the day he comes home to me and we can begin to build our new life together. However, upon further reflection, and after singing some of the verses, I also began to understand why we were singing such a song in church, especially on this day. Hosea (both in the Bible, and Redeeming Love) loved his wife without fail, no matter what she did to betray him, just as God loves His children unconditionally, even when they do not obey or follow Him.

My experience with Redeeming Love really came full circle today. There could not have been a better time for me to read that book, and having everything click, just made it that much better and more enjoyable. Although I was baptized and brought up Christian, I  was not raised going to church every week and I was never strong in my beliefs or my faith. I am slowly beginning to fill the void that I didn't know existed in my life and in my heart. It will be a long time before I forget the power of this day and the blessings it brought me.

Keep Chuggin' Along

This morning when I woke up I was excited to know that I only had 2 more days until I would hear from Andrew. I was getting ready (actually ahead of schedule for once in my life... imagine that) when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and threw the phone on the bed when I didn't recognize the number. Then I realized it could have been a call about the watch I had just ordered for Andrew last night or something so I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Honey."

My world came crashing down. What was happening? WHY? So many thoughts going through my head. The only thing I could think to say was: "Andrew?! Why are you calling me?"

"They recycled me"

Crushed again. So many thoughts came flooding through my mind. This changed everything. I can't even put into words all of the emotions I felt. I had so many questions and I know I didn't handle the news as gracefully as I would have liked, but it was just so out of the blue.

So here is the (very revised and shortened) story: Andrew had his "GO" for Mountains Phase and was 40 hours away from completing the final FTX of the phase when one of his buddies (who was assigned to be the gunner) was really struggling to continue on. So Andrew offered to take his gun so that the other guy would be carrying less weight and it would be easier for him to complete the mission. Some amount of time later they got into an ambush and since Andrew was now carrying the machine gun he took the place of the gunner. The gun jammed and as he was trying to clear it he accidentally fired it. It is called an Negligent Discharge and is a serious offense in Ranger School and everywhere else in the Army. Many times an ND is enough to "Day 1" you, meaning you start Ranger School completely over, but since he was so close to completing the phase, the RIs and the commanders only gave him a Mountain's recycle. I liked what Andrew's dad said about the situation: "Its a heart-breaker, but its not a deal-breaker" I am going to live my life (until the end of Ranger School at least) trying to find the silver lining and realizing that it could have been SO.MUCH.WORSE!

That phone call was the single worst call of my life. It was so difficult to talk to Andrew and hear him re-live it all and just be so down on himself. I have never heard Andrew's voice sound the way it did during our 10 minute and 7 second conversation this morning, but I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to ensure that I NEVER hear that in his voice EVER again.

So now; what this means for us: The next 3 and a half weeks, Andrew will be in lock-down with the other recycles at Ft. Merrill in Dahlonega, GA waiting for the next cycle to start up again.

The Bad:

• This adds 6 additional weeks to Ranger School (3 for the waiting period, 3 to repeat the cycle)
• He will start up again the day after he was supposed to graduate if he had gotten a "first time GO" of Ranger School
• Andrew is beyond devastated and so down on himself. I hope that in the coming days (maybe weeks) he will come to see this as a blessing in disguise and realize that this is not the end of the world. Until that time I am going to try to keep him happy and not dwell on the situation.

The Good:

• Nightly Phonecalls!! (The thought of this is enough to make me absolutely giddy after these past six weeks of letters being our ONLY form of communication)
• RECHARGE! Andrew will be eating three meals a day for the next three weeks and will get to sleep over 8 hours a night (plus naps during the day). His body is definitely feeling the effects of Ranger School at this point. To date he has lost over 25 pounds since leaving for Ranger School 6 weeks ago.
• He will have a major advantage when the phase starts up again since he has done it all before and he already earned his GO once before. He is confident that he can do it all again. 

For now, I am trying to focus on the positives, but I am devastated too. I want this for Andrew just as badly as he wants it for himself. The most touching part of our conversation was when he told me "the worst part of all of this is that now I won't get to see you until almost September". I miss my man so much and that is the worst part for me, but I would have thought the worst part for him would be going through all that Hell all over again.


I had been listening to Luke Bryan's CD last night on my way home and when I turned my car on this morning to go to work after we talked, the song "Keep Chuggin' Along" was playing. The first words that came out of my speakers were:

"When you look back over your shoulder at everything you've done, put the good times in your pocket, let the bad ones make you strong and keep chuggin' along."

I sat in the driveway and just cried. I have never been one to really believe in "signs" but it was like someone, somewhere was trying to tell me that everything was going to be okay. It has to be okay. Luke Bryan has always been one of my favorite artists, but this particular songs was never really one of my favorites. But this morning it really spoke to me. I know there are better days ahead of us.


Luckily I was working at Sean's today so when I came in (late and clearly upset/still crying whenever anyone talked to me) he gave me the morning off to gather my thoughts. I am so thankful to have the Dolans, they are such an amazing family.

I didn't know where to go, so I just drove and ended up at Church. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed that God would take away all of Andrew's pain and frustration and disappointment and give it all to me. He needs to recharge and focus on what is ahead of him, not dwell on the past.

After church (I honestly have no idea how long I was there for) I decided I needed a good, solid shopping spree! I went to the outlets in Lancaster and boy, oh boy did I shop!!!! I bought a great dress for Andrew's graduation and two pairs of shoes from Nine West among other things that I definitely do not need. It felt good to spend some money without thinking and just focusing on cute outfits instead of stressing over the fact that I won't see my man for another 9 weeks.

After shopping I went to Sonic for one of those slushy drinks. The woman who brought it out to my car completely caught me off-guard when she asked if my boyfriend was in the military (she must have seen my adorable license place frame-- I ♥ a US Soldier) I told her that he was a Second Lieutenant in the United States Army. She said, in her thick southern accent, "well you be sure to thank him for everything he does for all of us back home. My little boy and I sure do appreciate everything he sacrifices so that we can live the life we do". I started crying (for about the millionth time today) on the spot. How thoughtful! I told her I would be sure to tell him. It is unbelievable that I have been driving around with that on my car for months and not a soul has said a word to me about it until this day--the day I get this terrible news. I needed to hear that, just another one of those signs that everything is going to be okay. It has to be okay.

And we will keep chuggin' along.