Deployment Positive Thursday- Week 46

(slightly delayed due to the craziest work-day ever yesterday)

Well lookie there....

Its finally that time of year where it's socially acceptable to countdown to something!

I've been waiting since MAY to hang this sucker (can you guess where I got it? Hint: It's the happiest place on earth!)

And, as I hung the first ornament on my wonderful advent calendar, I also did a small victory dance for having started our last full month of this deployment. Yep, you heard that right: Andrew will be home next month. I think I'm more excited for this advent calendar to be over than for any other countdown ever in my life. We are so close, 2011 is almost over and then just a few more wake-ups until I see my soldier!



Benchmarks

In my family, I have always been known as the Queen of Dates. If my mom wants to know what year we took a certain vacation, or my dad wants to know the date (and year) of a second cousin a gazillion times removed's birthday, I am the go-to-gal. That is just the way my brain works for some reason, I'm really good at remembering dates.

So imagine my chagrin when Andrew Dolan comes waltzing into my life almost three and a half years ago. The boy can hardly remember his own birthday, let alone anyone else's- or any other milestone! (I have so many stories to demonstrate my point, but I can't let myself get into them... it is simply too embarrassing and heartbreaking for all parties involved). We physically could not be more different in this aspect.

Today marks exactly one month since Andrew left for Afghanistan, and it is almost hard to believe that we have made it to the first huge milestone! I am so relieved this first month is over and we are getting into the swing of this deployment.

Because I am always thinking about dates and things that have happened in our lives, each month I find myself looking forward to a few key days. Always having something to look forward to definitely makes time go by faster! This deployment, I have 5 main days every month that I really look forward to; and they all serve as benchmarks to another mini-milestone that has passed.

4th- One month closer to our wedding day: August 2012

16th- X-Day: this deployment officially started: January 2011

19th- Our "dating anniversary"/first kiss: October 2007

22nd- Andrew Proposed in Boston: October 2010

27th- Ranger School Graduation: August 2010

I know that some people, including my betrothed, think it is silly to celebrate an anniversary each month (actually, truth be told, I think that is silly, too), but there is a difference between "celebrating" something each month (with gifts and cards and extra lovey-dovey-ness) and just looking forward for that date to come (and pass) each month. I will say that I, by no means, keep track of how many months we have been together as a couple or anything like that, but there is something nice and refreshing about having each of these days come around each month. To me, it means one less of those "days" are left until we can finally be together again... and that has been making time F-L-Y!

Keep Chuggin' Along

This morning when I woke up I was excited to know that I only had 2 more days until I would hear from Andrew. I was getting ready (actually ahead of schedule for once in my life... imagine that) when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and threw the phone on the bed when I didn't recognize the number. Then I realized it could have been a call about the watch I had just ordered for Andrew last night or something so I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Honey."

My world came crashing down. What was happening? WHY? So many thoughts going through my head. The only thing I could think to say was: "Andrew?! Why are you calling me?"

"They recycled me"

Crushed again. So many thoughts came flooding through my mind. This changed everything. I can't even put into words all of the emotions I felt. I had so many questions and I know I didn't handle the news as gracefully as I would have liked, but it was just so out of the blue.

So here is the (very revised and shortened) story: Andrew had his "GO" for Mountains Phase and was 40 hours away from completing the final FTX of the phase when one of his buddies (who was assigned to be the gunner) was really struggling to continue on. So Andrew offered to take his gun so that the other guy would be carrying less weight and it would be easier for him to complete the mission. Some amount of time later they got into an ambush and since Andrew was now carrying the machine gun he took the place of the gunner. The gun jammed and as he was trying to clear it he accidentally fired it. It is called an Negligent Discharge and is a serious offense in Ranger School and everywhere else in the Army. Many times an ND is enough to "Day 1" you, meaning you start Ranger School completely over, but since he was so close to completing the phase, the RIs and the commanders only gave him a Mountain's recycle. I liked what Andrew's dad said about the situation: "Its a heart-breaker, but its not a deal-breaker" I am going to live my life (until the end of Ranger School at least) trying to find the silver lining and realizing that it could have been SO.MUCH.WORSE!

That phone call was the single worst call of my life. It was so difficult to talk to Andrew and hear him re-live it all and just be so down on himself. I have never heard Andrew's voice sound the way it did during our 10 minute and 7 second conversation this morning, but I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to ensure that I NEVER hear that in his voice EVER again.

So now; what this means for us: The next 3 and a half weeks, Andrew will be in lock-down with the other recycles at Ft. Merrill in Dahlonega, GA waiting for the next cycle to start up again.

The Bad:

• This adds 6 additional weeks to Ranger School (3 for the waiting period, 3 to repeat the cycle)
• He will start up again the day after he was supposed to graduate if he had gotten a "first time GO" of Ranger School
• Andrew is beyond devastated and so down on himself. I hope that in the coming days (maybe weeks) he will come to see this as a blessing in disguise and realize that this is not the end of the world. Until that time I am going to try to keep him happy and not dwell on the situation.

The Good:

• Nightly Phonecalls!! (The thought of this is enough to make me absolutely giddy after these past six weeks of letters being our ONLY form of communication)
• RECHARGE! Andrew will be eating three meals a day for the next three weeks and will get to sleep over 8 hours a night (plus naps during the day). His body is definitely feeling the effects of Ranger School at this point. To date he has lost over 25 pounds since leaving for Ranger School 6 weeks ago.
• He will have a major advantage when the phase starts up again since he has done it all before and he already earned his GO once before. He is confident that he can do it all again. 

For now, I am trying to focus on the positives, but I am devastated too. I want this for Andrew just as badly as he wants it for himself. The most touching part of our conversation was when he told me "the worst part of all of this is that now I won't get to see you until almost September". I miss my man so much and that is the worst part for me, but I would have thought the worst part for him would be going through all that Hell all over again.


I had been listening to Luke Bryan's CD last night on my way home and when I turned my car on this morning to go to work after we talked, the song "Keep Chuggin' Along" was playing. The first words that came out of my speakers were:

"When you look back over your shoulder at everything you've done, put the good times in your pocket, let the bad ones make you strong and keep chuggin' along."

I sat in the driveway and just cried. I have never been one to really believe in "signs" but it was like someone, somewhere was trying to tell me that everything was going to be okay. It has to be okay. Luke Bryan has always been one of my favorite artists, but this particular songs was never really one of my favorites. But this morning it really spoke to me. I know there are better days ahead of us.


Luckily I was working at Sean's today so when I came in (late and clearly upset/still crying whenever anyone talked to me) he gave me the morning off to gather my thoughts. I am so thankful to have the Dolans, they are such an amazing family.

I didn't know where to go, so I just drove and ended up at Church. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed that God would take away all of Andrew's pain and frustration and disappointment and give it all to me. He needs to recharge and focus on what is ahead of him, not dwell on the past.

After church (I honestly have no idea how long I was there for) I decided I needed a good, solid shopping spree! I went to the outlets in Lancaster and boy, oh boy did I shop!!!! I bought a great dress for Andrew's graduation and two pairs of shoes from Nine West among other things that I definitely do not need. It felt good to spend some money without thinking and just focusing on cute outfits instead of stressing over the fact that I won't see my man for another 9 weeks.

After shopping I went to Sonic for one of those slushy drinks. The woman who brought it out to my car completely caught me off-guard when she asked if my boyfriend was in the military (she must have seen my adorable license place frame-- I ♥ a US Soldier) I told her that he was a Second Lieutenant in the United States Army. She said, in her thick southern accent, "well you be sure to thank him for everything he does for all of us back home. My little boy and I sure do appreciate everything he sacrifices so that we can live the life we do". I started crying (for about the millionth time today) on the spot. How thoughtful! I told her I would be sure to tell him. It is unbelievable that I have been driving around with that on my car for months and not a soul has said a word to me about it until this day--the day I get this terrible news. I needed to hear that, just another one of those signs that everything is going to be okay. It has to be okay.

And we will keep chuggin' along.