Deployment Positive Thursday- Week 23

23 June 2010 was- to that point- probably the hardest day of my life. It was the day Andrew was recycled when he was 40 hours away from completing Mountains Phase at Ranger School. Him calling home to report the news was the single worst phone call of my life, and at the time we both had an impossible time being positive about anything. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to hear the sound of such sheer and utter disappointment in the voice of the man I loved so dearly, knowing there was nothing I could do to make it better.

At that time, I didn't think there could be any worse feeling. A year later it still stings, but now I feel as though everything has been put into perspective. On Sunday there was an incident involving one of our closest friends in Afghanistan that hit a little too close to home. Everyone is alive and "okay", but my world was completely shaken.

I am not going to get into detail because it's a private matter for the family involved; but ever since I heard the news, I haven't been able to shake the "what if's" from my head. It made the fact that Andrew and some of his our closest friends are over there at war. Not just playing games with guns. This week more than ever, I just feel so thankful for the little blessings in life. The way Lillia came running to me and jumping into my arms when I came home the other day. The sheer pride I feel for being an American. Even the fact that Andrew is thousands of miles away from me means so little when there is the promise of a life together on the other end. When Andrew was recycled, the 9 additional weeks he would spend in "the bad place" felt like an eternity. Now looking back, it seems like the blink of an eye. I can hardly believe that we are almost halfway through this deployment, and I know that the moment I see him and wrap my arms around him that same feeling will return. Where did the time go?


It's funny because I can already feel this year blurring together in my mind. It is one of the strangest feelings ever. I find myself forgetting what month it is, or what time of year; something that is very out of character for me. It's hard to explain. For instance, yesterday I heard something on the radio about a band coming to the area in September. My initial thought was "why are they advertising for something 8 months away?" Apparently in my brain it is currently February. But then last week I thought it was November for a split second. I have to really concentrate and think to figure out what month it is. I don't know what's going on, but it's a very foreign feeling to me. I've always been the one in my family and in my circle of friends who remembered the exact dates of things that have happened in my life. This deployment; no such luck. I'm not even remembering if things happened before or after Andrew left. It's freaking me out a little bit to be completely honest. Has anyone experienced this when dealing with long separations?

The positive of this all is that by the time 2012 gets here I'll probably be being treated for mental illness and I won't know which way is up. In all seriousness though, I am longing for the true feeling of "where did that time go?" and "I can't believe it's all over!" I pray each and every day that that day will hurry up and get here already, but I know this is just a small step in our journey. A journey that I am so excited to officially start as husband and wife just over a year from now.


And, incase you're wondering:  click here to recap what was going through my mind a year ago today...